I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
