The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Randomize
