Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
