My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
