I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
