just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
