the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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