I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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