I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Randomize
