you told grandpa to call you daddy
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
