My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
