I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
