is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
