How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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