Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
