I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
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That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
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I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises