i don't like sucking hair
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Randomize
