if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
