Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just pee around me
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
