There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
