I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
