Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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