I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
