your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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