Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
