it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
