I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
