I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
