No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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