I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
