i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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