I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
