im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I believe in your delicious
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
