She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
