Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
