Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Please don't give away my fajitas
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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