***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
