My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
