i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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