It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
