I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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