i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
