Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
