My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
