I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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