I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever