The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
