Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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