We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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