We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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