so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
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She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
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VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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