two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
