U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my being single is dangerous.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
