it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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