chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
