Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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